DOMINATE THE CLIQUE: An Unconventional Guide to Connecting with Anyone & Effective Communication Skills
Author Vincent Kapoor knows how to communicate well, and he can help us to succeed at doing it, too.
"Connecting with anyone" is a worthwhile goal. Kapoor emphasizes spoken communication, supplemented with body language, to gain and keep the attention of others, then to persuade them to your point of view, or at least to have a positive feeling about you.
Kapoor calls to our attention eight particularly effective communicators: Hitler; Martin Luther King, Jr., Fred Rogers (Mr. Rogers to us), Gary Vaynerchuk, Sally Hogshead, Nelson Mandela, Barack Obama, and the Iron Man's Tony Stark. He then describes some facets (not all shared equally) that made them particularly effective: voice, body language, symbolism, moral authority, writing excellence, direct speech, simplicity, focus, precision, tone, cadence, first impressions, self-esteem, communication seriousness, ability to surprise the audience, story-telling, being relatable, passion, powerful message, consistency, smiles, humor, gestures, "the rule of three," determination, connecting with listeners' anxieties, alliance with complementary persons, and being the same on-stage and off-stage. Clearly different speakers emphasized different strengths.
"Communication is not a 'one size fits all'" idea. Audiences vary greatly. Kapoor recommends we read, as I have, Shelle Rose Charvet's book "Words that Change Minds: Mastering the Language of Influence," which he summarizes in depth. for about 10% of this concise book.
Next, he presents different advice for introverts and extroverts to improve their communication skills. Introvert Keanu Reeves, who does the following effectively:
- redirects praise or replies with humor
- projects a state of Zen
- his hand gestures are enthusiastic
- accepts his NLP (neuro-linguistic programming)
- lives generously
You can be a cool introvert, too, if not quite a Keanu Reeves:
- have empathy
- be observant
- know yourself
- avoid offending others
- be thought-provoking
- make deep connections
- be shrewd
Extroverts, on the other hand
- enjoy communicating with others
- see the positive side of things
- are expressive
- are more likely to become leaders
- easily accomplish tasks
- can be offensive
- tend to exclude some people
- may lack self-awareness
- are sometimes impulsive
- should listen more
- should try not to dominate conversations
- must heed their words carefully
- should invite others to speak
- must be able to ask for help
- should play to their strengths
- should slow down
All of these comments are accompanied by examples and explanations.
What kills a conversation? Gossiping. Analyzing. Supplicating. Judging. Disqualifying.
Insincerity. Closed questions. Patronizing. Changing the subject. Slow responses.
Complaining. Being too funny. One-upping. Over-sharing (TMI). Religion and politics.
Vincent Kapoor describes and discusses these communication-dampeners.
Be sure to watch your audience carefully to make sure they are still paying attention.
There ways to tell, and there are ways to re-engage them.
To communicate better, listen better, Kapoor advises and shows how.
More good advice:
- "Treat everyone with kindness and respect."
- "Live in the moment."
- "Be open-minded."
- "Do not attack character."
A section of this valuable book tells us how to become better listeners,
which will help us become better communicators.
He ends with giving his readers more resources for improving their listening, thinking,
and communication skills.
As you can tell, I highly recommend this book.
Available at amazon.com:
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