Take
Care of Yourself Physically and Mentally
Rest and self-care are so important. When you take time to
replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You
cannot serve from an empty vessel.
—
Eleanor Brownn, Author
Some
people increase physical and/or mental activity during such times to distract
them from the reality and pain of this situation. Keeping busy occupies their
mind and their time and provides a self-protective mechanism used for coping.
Others decrease their activity and become more sedentary and withdrawn and
retreat into isolation. Either choice is an extreme with its own negative
effects. Balance is the key to survival here.
Although
you may have the tendency to deal with your grief and loss by withdrawing from
the world, shutting yourself in darkness and curling up in bed trying
desperately to block out everything, life still moves forward and you are still
among the living. This, “doing nothing,” is a paralysis of mind, body, and
spirit that is unhealthy and of no service to you or the loved ones who care
about you. Embracing this numbness and paralysis is emergency self-care at
first and acts as a self-protective mechanism of survival. But remember, this
is only the beginning and there is much to do and learn on this journey through
grief and loss.
So, what you need to do…what I forced myself to do…was to keep moving and doing
the routine tasks of living. These included cleaning the bathroom, doing the
laundry, sweeping the floor, reading a book, taking a walk and other
activities.
It does not matter what activity you choose — just move!
Activity helps you get outside yourself and focus on a task, very helpful to
use pent-up emotional energy. Doing this may even help you sleep better, too.
Others may deal with grief and loss by
being constantly busy as their way to block out everything — not allowing time to really think, feel, or process the
loss. Here again, life still moves forward.
And although you are actively moving among the living, you are really
“not living.” This, too, causes a halt to the processing of life events and is
of no service to you or those who care about you. So, what you need to do is to
slow down and allow time to think and feel.
Keeping a friend at hand or at least a phone call away for support is
extremely helpful.
I continued working for several months
after my husband died. Was it helpful? Yes, at first. The continued routine
helped to push some of the grieving to the back of my mind. However, as time
moved on, I realized that I was going in circles and getting nowhere. I was stuck in moments of grief that kept me
repeating “woe is me.” I was
exhausting myself mentally, physically, and spiritually trying to function in
both worlds: my work routine world and my grief and loss world — neither of
which was going well. I had to do something before I fell apart.
Taking
care of yourself is the most powerful way to begin to take care of others.
—
Bryant Mc Gill,
Simple Reminders: Inspiration for Living Your Best
Life
So, I took a deep breath and stepped back
to decide how to find a balance between too-busy and too-idle. I did this by
making healthy choices in self-care for myself. You can do this too.
First, I just made simple choices. Making a
big plan required too much thought and work. I knew that I needed to include
both activity and rest in my physical and mental self-care plan.
I had such tension and pain in my neck and back that these
created structural issues. So, I scheduled a visit to the chiropractor before
we went to Florida. What a relief I got from my first visit and adjustment!
Then I had another adjustment after I returned from our trip to Daytona Beach
and ritual spreading of ashes in the ocean.
I asked myself, “Why did I deny myself this treatment,
knowing full well that I would feel great afterward. Was I trying to punish
myself by suffering in pain?”
Like me, you’ll probably deny it, but it does have some
truth to it. Misery loves company, right? It was a start, and that is all it
takes to make a change. You are worthy of self-care and feeling good.
Later, I had a cranio-sacral treatment (a
spinal energy realignment technique) with my practitioner, which really helped
open up my body and relieved a lot of stress. I went for walks with friends,
did grocery shopping, joined the gym’s
“Silver Sneaker’s” program for seniors, biked with my daughter and felt better.
There are many other activities that can be chosen depending on the individual’s
interest.
Self-care is your friend — just choose it!
Two
and a half years after the loss, I am working with a local chiropractor, Dr.
Dan Wilson in Cornelius, NC, who developed a long-term plan of care that has
led to significant improvement in my mobility, decreased pain and ease of
participating in activities of daily living. I can now walk up and down stairs
normally instead of one step at a time. I can sleep without back or hip pain. I
can walk for 2 miles without distress…and so much more. No more sporadic
quick-fix trips for me — I’m sticking to my plan!
Also,
take time to sit quietly and think about your circumstances and how you feel.
Talking to others may be helpful; sometimes talking to a professional may be
needed. Another strategy is to keep a journal, writing down thoughts and
feelings as you process through the loss. I address this in a separate section.
Sleep
is not on good terms with broken hearts. It will have nothing to do with them.
― Christopher
Pike, Author
Getting
adequate sleep and rest is another way to take care of yourself physically and
mentally. Sleep was a challenge at first, so I took naps whenever I felt like
it. Sometimes, I would like to have retreated into a coma and disappeared for a
while. I had to laugh at myself. You know that’s not happening. There’s too
much to do.
It’s
good for you to know this “coma” thought occurs. It’s normal. Just “don’t do it.”
The mind continues to replay hundreds of
events, memories, and all the “I
wish” thoughts that torment your nights. So, you cry yourself to sleep, or you
go sleepless, or at least not remembering if you fell asleep or not. This too
improves over time.
What helped me is that I kept on a normal schedule and
continued to use a sleep CD that I had already used for a long time. Only under
this new set of stresses, I had to sometimes replay it two, three, or even four
times. The normalcy of this was very comforting. However, I needed to change
the usual CD I used while my husband was alive to another one of my favorites
with soothing tones for Chakra balancing. The
old one elicited memories of him when I played it each night and he was
sleeping beside me. Making this change worked much better.
I also visited my doctor, who offered me “something for sleep” if I needed it. A generous offer and
sometimes helpful; however, I chose to forgo this option. It is worth
consideration for temporary relief, but only under a doctor’s care. Sleep is
often elusive when it is quiet and you are alone lying in bed — your mind
actively replaying and reliving events while you judge yourself harshly. This
creates even more pain and sorrow. How to deal with this is unique to the individual.
My self-care was to stop worrying about “not getting enough sleep” and instead to find something to
do while I was awake. When I started rehashing events, I wallowed in
self-condemnation for a while. Then, I just said, Cheryl, stop beating yourself
up. You weren’t perfect. Get over yourself. Think of something good, happy,
positive and get a grip.
Well, if you keep telling yourself this, it works and you
feel better. Maybe you still won’t sleep better for a while, but you will feel
less stressed. Sleep will eventually happen. Give yourself time to adjust.
AFFIRMATIONS:
· I
nourish my mind and body.
· I
breathe deeply and fully and relax my body.
· I
get the sleep I need every night, and my body appreciates how I take care of
it.
###
With her permission, I am serializing here nurse Cheryl Barrett's valuable book on transcending grief. I had the pleasure of being her coach and editor through my Write Your Book with Me enterprise.
Douglas Winslow Cooper, PhD
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