May
you find PEACE
in your heart – remembering
it’s
more than a pump,
And
feel compassion for YOURSELF and others.
May
you experience JOY every day;
It
gives you something to live for and gladdens the heart.
May
you continue to share your CARING with others,
And
let others COMFORT you when you are feeling down,
sad,
or alone.
May
you hang on during tough times – sometimes
that’s
all you can do;
But
remember to let HOPE
float up and do its magic healing.
May
you remember to BREATHE
when faced with fear, stress or loss;
It
relaxes the body and refocuses the mind.
May
you make time for YOURSELF
each and every day
Practicing
self-care and becoming your best.
May
you recognize you are worthy and loved by GOD and others,
So
you can share this LOVE with others too.
May
you LIVE every day as if it were your last,
So
you have no regrets.
May
you have the courage to be AWESOME,
And
hold tightly to the wonderful person you are.
Thank
you from my HEART
— Cheryl
A. Barrett, 11/25/2014
Allow for Time
to
Heal Your Wounded Spirit
You don’t know how strong you are until being strong
is the only option you have.
— Bob
Marley, Songwriter, Musician
Yes,
it takes time to work through grief and loss.
There
is no specified time limit for this journey. It is unique to each person. There
is no one path for all, but a path exists for each of us to walk. These five
actions helped me on my journey:
· Be patient.
There will be ups and downs, progress and setbacks, on this healing journey.
· Be strong.
Use your resources and reach out to family and friends to support you.
· Have faith.
Move confidently toward the future filled with endless possibilities.
· Look back.
Express joy and gratitude for what you shared.
· Look forward.
Live with joy and gratitude in anticipation of your future.
While
finishing this book, I reviewed the textbooks that I used in a Stress
Management Instructor course I had taken some years ago. I found a section on
stress and human spirituality, addressing the issues and impact of loss.
Some
view this spiritual loss as a heart-sick feeling devastating to the soul. Yes,
it does feel this way and goes on for some time. Your mind, your heart, and
your soul are at war with the healing process at first. As time moves on, your
mind shows you the logic of the situation, leading the way to healing as you
set positive intentions. Your heart and soul continue to ache and recovery lags
woefully behind, creating extended sorrow and grief.
The
war within me went on for some time before I could take small steps toward
healing. Yes, this war within is often said to be a trip to hell. I agree!
According
to holistic stress management speaker B. L. Seaward, Ph.D: “There are two ways
to emerge from a proverbial trip to hell. The first is as a victim, where one
carries a sense of remorse or resentment for a very long time — sometimes forever.
The second is as a victor, an individual who emerges gracefully with neither
animosity nor resentment.”
Dr.
Seaward mentions that the journey of healing requires “exercising your muscles
of the soul.” Using his list of topics, I explain next how I exercised “the
muscles of the soul” to heal my own wounded spirit from the loss of my dear
husband, Fred.
•
Compassion: I
accepted comfort and compassion from friends and family who listened to me and
shared in my grieving. I asked for help, hugs, or companionship when I felt the
need. I read and reread the condolence cards and emails, finding comfort in the
loving words. I am truly grateful for such caring sent my way. I also was
compassionate toward myself, accepting my weaknesses. I allowed myself to cry.
I even bravely chose events that brought on the tears, so I could purge myself
of the pain of loss. Watching movies that involved loss and healing were very
helpful, and I felt much better.
•
Courage: I protected myself from triggers that would cause me to
cry at times. I wore sunglasses to camouflage my eyes and hide the ravages of a
tearful face. I carried tissues everywhere to mop up the waterfall of tears. I
wanted people to see a survivor, not a victim of a tragedy…and someone with a
brave heart who could stand tall and move forward. Writing this book took
courage I did not think I had.
•
Creativity: I found things that brought joy and laughter back into my
life and put a smile on my face. I saw a “how to” video on making baskets out
of recycled paper rolled into long tubes and made a few of these. The finished
project was satisfying. In another creative adventure, three of us went to a
“wine and paint night” at a local restaurant and painted a big sunflower with
acrylics. We adopted artists’ personas: I am now known as (Cherylbrant) and my
accomplices were my friend, Peg (Pegasso), and my daughter, Bonnie (Boninchi):
each imitating her favorite artist with her painting. We had fun.
•
Curiosity:
I sought out options and answers to so
many questions about finances, funeral details, insurance, IRAs, 401Ks, death
benefits, who needs death certificates, applying for social security,
retirement, name change and beneficiary change. And so much more. I made lists
upon lists and checked off items as they were done — eventually.
•
Faith: I had faith from the start, although it was battered down
by the nearly overwhelming grief, anger and regrets. Although my faith was
wounded, I still watched the Sunday service with Joel Osteen. I still read my
daily devotions on The Power of Being Thankful by Joyce Meyer. I still
prayed. I kept searching for understanding until I reread the story of Job in
the Bible. Job experienced numerous losses and kept his faith. I found
that you might never get the answers as to
why this tragedy happened, but in faith, you walk forward, confident that there
is a light waiting for you ahead.
•
Forgiveness: This was hard, but I did forgive my husband for leaving
me. I forgave God for taking him. I forgave myself for all the perceived
regrets I had of not doing as much as I could have and should have done. I
chose to give up the overpowering unforgiveness that kept eroding my spirit. It
was such a relief.
•
Humbleness: I worked to get outside of myself, helping others not as
fortunate as I am. Looking at the big picture, my loss was insignificant
compared to what some others have had to deal with in their life. I put
together a care package for a friend, Anne, who always gives to others…so she
would take time for herself, for a change. I mentored a young woman, June, in
her pursuit of higher education in nursing. I gave my ticket to the amusement
park to someone else to go. I volunteered to work on a quilt that was to be
raffled off to raise money for the church. I cooked a meal and packed up a
goodie bag for a friend whose husband underwent surgery. These actions helped
me stop being focused on “poor me,” and I am thankful for the opportunity to do
these. I look forward to doing more in the future.
•
Humor: I am blessed to live with a daughter who makes me laugh
hard and often. We laugh about
memories with my husband, her father. We laugh about almost anything. She often
breaks into a song and dance that is hysterical. She still hides sometimes and
tries to scare me like her father used to do to both of us. I watched movies
alone that were funny, as well as watching ones with my daughter or with a friend
and laughed a lot. My daughter was, and is, the greatest gift in keeping me
smiling and stimulating laughter. I think she was a comedian in her past life.
I knew that laughter heals, and I employed my creativity to make opportunities
for it to happen. Laughter was a great tension reducer for me.
•
Integrity: I fell short in “honesty” at first, as I needed to
insulate myself from the pain and loss. Certainly, it was evident to many how
devastating to me Fred’s death was, but to others who were not close, things
looked “OK.” I told people I was fine when I was not, that I was eating when I
was not, that I was sleeping when I was not — and more. As the impact of my
grief lessened somewhat and time moved forward, I was able to find a way to
trust others and share how I really felt. It was hard to keep up the “good lie”
and such a relief to be able to share how I truly felt. I discovered that once
I faced and became my truth again, I could become empowered and exercise other
muscles of the soul more effectively.
•
Intuition: Sensing, insights, inspiration, and enlightenment are part
of intuition. I have had experience with intuition in the past. For example, my
intuition told me that the first person (male) I met in Home Depot was the one
to help me with my car issue in the parking lot, but I dismissed it. Fortunately,
I had the opportunity to return to him, and he was the one who came and helped
start my car. Often, we get a feeling about something and dismiss it, moving
forward at a too-fast mental pace. Slowing down and taking a pause to reflect
allows for opportunities to become more evident. I am thankful that when I was
walking up the stairs the night my husband died, I acted on the feeling that I
had and turned to look at him and say, “Good night, Fred” — the last time I
spoke to him. I am now more sensitive to my intuition for self-care and for
caring for others’ needs.
•
Optimism: Being positive was a challenge, as I had lost someone who
was a constant source of support — my personal cheerleader of positivity.
Suddenly, I had to create my own positivity. I found it is much easier to be
negative and find fault than to be positive. So, I discovered a way to start. I
faked being positive at first, and then little-by-little I began to feel
positive about something in my day. I woke up and expressed thankfulness for the
day. I set an intention to allow hope to bloom in my heart and open my eyes to
a new future. I saw people struggling with much worse situations than mine,
leading me to get out of my own way. I embraced a spirit of optimism.
•
Patience: I grieved hard…with tears, anger, frustration, and more. I
questioned God: Why did you do this to me? I questioned my dead husband:
Why did you do this to me? I asked: Why did I deserve to be alone?
I looked around at other older couples and envied them their togetherness and
asked again: Why not me? Guess what? There were no answers, only
acceptance that one time is over and another time is beginning. With patience
and the passing of time, I came to terms with this. I felt peace.
•
Persistence: To deal with all the details on my journey required
persistence, because there were always loose ends. Nothing got done in a
one-time action. There were always follow-ups, often too many to keep track of
them all. I just made new lists and kept
going.
•
Resiliency: There were many times that I regressed in the healing
process, but I did not give up. I bounced back stronger after every new wave of
grief, anger, regret or self-pity that hit me, threatening to take me under.
Each time, I chose to be strong and go forward; I bounced back quicker and was
able to move forward again…and again…and again.
•
Unconditional
love: I worked for only four
and a half months after my loss. I quit, to get out of the rat race and to be
able to take better care of myself. I still mourned, even as I opened a new
door to my future. I learned to love myself. The most amazing thing happened: I
have become filled with more joy, peace, happiness, and expectation for sharing
with others.
You
can use the form on the next page with these same topics to write how you have
exercised the muscles of your soul as you journey through your own grief and
loss. It took time for me to do this, and it was sporadic, but thoughts and
experiences along the way produced what I have shared about the muscles of the
soul to me.
Yes,
this journey is hard and it may be a long one. Be strong, and walk forward
step-by-step, breath-by-breath. You, too, will emerge the victor. You have
learned much and have much to share now with others.
AFFIRMATIONS:
· I step forward in faith and am stronger each day.
· I use the muscles of the soul to heal my wounded spirit.
· I am optimistic that I can experience joy and love.
###
With her permission, I am serializing here a near-final version of nurse Cheryl Barrett's valuable book on transcending grief. I had the pleasure of being her coach and editor through my Write Your Book with Me enterprise.
Douglas Winslow Cooper, PhD
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