Sunday, August 30, 2015
"Lessons" from KIDNAPPED TWICE
NOT FITTING IN
When I decided to move here to Alan’s families’ farm, I had no idea what was expected of me. I knew that they needed my help at the packing house, so I started to work there. I was unaware of my medical condition, diabetes, but I knew something was wrong. By the time I got home in the evening, I could hardly walk up the stairs.
I started feeding the wild ducks every day at the pond. I enjoy watching them. Most of all, I love to watch the water sparkle from the sun. I would sit out by the pond and enjoy such moments.
Some of Alan’s family members could not understand why I was not in the house answering the telephone. This turned into a real problem. I had lived on my own for many years and did not feel I had to explain why I did or did not do certain things. It got to the point that if I came home for lunch, the phone would be ringing when I walked in the door. All day long when I was at work, the phone never stopped ringing with family calls. I would have to stop the packing machine in order to answer their calls, which would back up the table with too many apples, causing bruising.
The most insulting part of being on the farm is being expected to explain myself in some form every day. I would get upset with all of this, but I did not give up my time to enjoy nature. I loved watching the sparkling lake water when I was a little girl, and I still love it now.
Alan has not understood why I would want to spend time outside.
I have not fit in here with anyone in Alan’s family except his aunt.
I have finally accepted the fact that I am different from many people. I am not willing to give up what makes me happy, and I am thankful for the beauty of these moments!
As I was sitting by the pond watching wildlife recently, I realized what I had been doing all my life: I learned to protect myself; I could not trust anyone else to protect me. That’s something I can thank my father for teaching me. I haven’t done that great of a job in my life, but at least I did not expect anyone else to protect me!
I guess it is about time that I started understanding myself. It has taken way too long.
LESSONS FROM MY PARENTS
What my father taught me:
– Never, never start drinking, as it will never stop!
– Never, never allow myself to think anyone would protect me.
– Make sure no one ever abuses my child!
– Always tell the truth, or the punishment would be more severe.
My father always told my brother Todd the same things. Too bad that my father did not live by his own rules.
What my mother taught me:
– Never, never abandon my child.
What Ann taught me:
– Always be afraid.
– Always expect the worst.
– Never trust anyone or anything.
As I get older, and I hope, wiser, I realize how little my father knew me.
I do know, now, that I am different from most people…not better, just different.
The deep love that my co-author, Douglas, found in his life is something I never found in mine. But my love for my child is a love that I do know. I wish my parents had shown me that kind of love.
There have been many times since this memoir-writing journey began that I think of something my co-author has said to me about his beloved wife, Tina, and it makes me smile. He gets a glow when he speaks of her, and it is these moments that let me understand what that deep love is all about.
We are nearly done serializing in this blog the memoir Kidnapped Twice, by Mary E. Seaman and myself, which tells of a mature woman's partially successful effort to overcome the abuse she suffered as a child. It can be purchased in paperback or ebook formats from its publisher, Outskirts Press, and from online booksellers like amazon.com and bn.com.