We’ve reached a stage in life where death is closer to us
than it ever was: death of parents, friends, siblings, associates. When it
happens, we are often given advice to obtain “closure,” defined as a sense of
finality.
Within the past year and a half, I have lost my mother, my
sister, and a favorite nurse. I do have a sense of finality, closure, but I
would like something more. If my long-ill wife should die soon, I want more
than just “coming to terms” with it.
A lovely book I recently read, Reflections
from the Soul, by former
nurse Dr. Eboni Ivory Green, aims to take its grieving readers beyond closure
to “homeostasis,” meaning “a sense of equilibrium,” not a shutting off, but a
co-existing with. We are encouraged to connect with persons, places, things
that remind us of the deceased and of the good associated with our
relationship.
In her Introduction, she writes, “Matters of the heart are
never truly closed. The sadness associated with losing someone you love never
goes away completely. Yet, there is hope that one day the deep sorrow will now
take a place in history.” Sorrow can be replaced by fond reflection and
reminiscence.
The
Power of the Pen and of the Mind
Dr. Green’s many losses moved her to write both prose and
poetry, and she recommends that others write, too: remember how the departed
once enriched your life, how certain objects or places or activities can bring
back the connection you fear you have lost.
Outstanding individuals live on in our collective memory,
many even past “the second death,” when the last individual who knew them
personally has died.
The
Risks of Falling in Love
When we love, we risk the heartache of death. As Helen
Keller wrote, “All that we love deeply becomes part of us.” When a loved one
dies, part of us dies.
Robert Frost wrote that “nothing gold can stay.” We have
life, and love, on temporary loan.
Dr. Green quotes a line from the film Meet Joe Black, “To make the journey and not fall deeply in
love---well, you haven’t lived a life at all.”
No
Woman Is an Island
Even the deaths of strangers diminishes us. We view their
obituaries with concern. Poet John Donne advised us to ask not for whom the
church bell tolls its death knell: “It tolls for thee.”
Dr. Green wants us to distinguish between isolation,
loneliness, and solitude. Isolation comes from our losses, loneliness a
possible reaction to them, but solitude can provide the opportunity for
acknowledgment, inspiration, reflection, and thus renewal.
“Men
Get Mad. Women Get Sad.”
That generic adage does not well cover our responses to
death. Sadness and anger at the death of a beloved are not exclusive responses
of either gender. Sadness is typical, but anger is not uncommon.
How would death make you angry? Perhaps it seems so unjust. Perhaps someone should
have behaved better. Perhaps there is, or should be, guilt or regret?
Dr. Green gives some sage advice on dealing with the emotions
commonly accompanying the death of a loved one. Several chapter titles
summarize her advice: Do That Which You
Think You Cannot; From Isolation to Communion; You’ve Committed No Offense by
Surviving; Cultivating Life-Enhancing Spirituality; Remembering You Makes Me
Smile; You Do Not Need to Walk Alone; God Sets the Lonely in Families; Dancing
Beautifully with a Limp.
Even within a family, there will often be a wide variety of
responses to death, depending on: life experiences, position or station,
personal relationships. Dr. Green describes ten common and quite different personas
and reactions. She hopes that by understanding these differences the tendency
for grief and anger to divide some families can be resisted.
Coming
Up for AIR
Dr. Green recommends we breathe deeply metaphorical AIR: Acknowledgment of our loss; Inspiration
from others; Reflection by ourselves.
Her writings, quotations, and exercises help focus our efforts.
Beyond
Closure
Cicero wrote, “The life of the dead is placed in the memory
of the living.”
Those we love who have died we still want to keep in mind,
rather than forgotten, closed off from us. So, let us not forget them, and to
that degree, we allow them to live on.
Questions
Douglas Winslow Cooper, Ph.D., is a former Harvard science
professor. He still publishes, and he helps others write and publish their
books via his business website, http://WriteYourBookWithMe.com. His life's central theme has been his half-century romance with his wife, Tina Su Cooper, now quadriplegic for over a decade
due to multiple sclerosis, receiving 24/7 nursing care at home, as discussed at
their website here.
First published in somewhat edited form at
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