“AIDEN”
[This chapter
remained in here though this relationship has ended. My ex-boyfriend, “Aiden,”
heard this chapter (and the various other stories I’ve also told about him
elsewhere in my book), and he’s approved of it all verbally. Sadly, before
Aiden was an ex, my editor said I should get it in writing that he approved of
it all. Since our break-up was very abrupt, that never took place, so his name
has been changed, and some stories have been deleted.]
This
is one more difficult chapter to write. I really don’t even know where to
begin. I do know that I met him, and fell in love with him, when I was very ill
– though we didn’t know the exact illness until two years into our
relationship.
I met Aiden on a
Thursday night in September 2007 at a karaoke night at our local Holiday Inn.
Late that afternoon, my boyfriend-at-the-time, Jim, had taken me for a nature
walk at the Ashokan Reservoir. But, as usual, I had to leave earlier than we
expected in case I needed to use a restroom. See, in those days, I had wetting
accidents often. Again, that was blamed on the meds I was on for the
mysophobia, when actually, I found out later, the brain tumor caused those
large messes. I know urinary incontinence is a problem when we age, but this
example was when I was only 46.
To digress from
that nature walk for a bit, those wetting mishaps even took place at the last
school I taught in. I had a bag next to my desk with a second outfit (right
down to socks and underwear), just in case I needed to change at work. I did
have to change clothes a few times because of these accidents, and some
co-workers noticed the different clothes on the same day.
But let’s get back
to that nature walk. As Jim was driving me home, I had the sudden urge to
tinkle. Jim was a very sweet man, and he layered his passenger seat with towels
during this phase of our lives. These towels were because I had occasionally
wet his car seat accidentally. He never got upset or mad about that. He took
care of me very well. So, as we were about to pass the Holiday Inn, I told him,
“Hurry! I have to go to the bathroom right now.” Jim sped down the ramp to the
parking lot, and I went running to the restroom.
And then, when I
emerged happily relieved that I made it in the nick of time, he told me about
the karaoke that was going on in the bar. We went in together. I enjoyed taking
this all in, but knew that I would probably never touch that hand-held
microphone to sing anything (too many dirty hands touched it, and I was grossed
out by “germies”).
As I was listening
to others try their best to read and sing the words that Larry the DJ put on
the screen, I noticed Aiden for the first time, over at the bar area with what
looked like friends of his. I found out in later weeks that they were just that
– his friends.
Of course, I was
there with Jim, so I just sat and took it all in. A few visits later to that
establishment, I introduced myself to Aiden and his buddies.
At first, Aiden,
Jim, and I were all part of a friendly little group. Soon, I found myself even
more attracted to Aiden than to Jim. After quite a while trying to decide whom
I wanted to date, I broke up with Jim and started a relationship with Aiden. Of
all the relationships I’ve had in my life, this one with Aiden was the biggest
roller-coaster, because we were polar opposites. Because of that, we had seen
three relationship counselors. The last one told us that in her 30 years of
couples counseling, she had never had a more dissimilar pair.
We both did love
one another, but our 14-year age difference is just one difference on a very
long list of differences. However, we tried to stick by one another through ten
tumultuous years, though we were not good together for at least half of them.
But, let me focus on the positive right now….
Aiden was a great
cook. He did his fair share of cooking when he was on his job. After he
retired, he prepared a large portion of whatever he was into, and I got
containers of his leftovers after we were done eating some of it together.
Because of my memory problems, I don’t use my stove or oven. I live in a condo
and my starting a fire would affect other families too.
Let me digress one
more time. After my brain surgery, I flooded my kitchen once when I turned the
kitchen sink on to wash some dishes. Because I forget what I’m doing sometimes,
I left the room, went to use my bathroom, listened to my messages on my
answering machine in my bedroom. When I remembered, I ran back to the kitchen
and water was everywhere…all over the counters, the floor, etc. I had a lot of cleanup work to do!
I started three
small fires in that same kitchen before I made the decision (with help from my
doctors) to only eat p. b. and j. sandwiches, microwavable foods, leftovers
from Aiden or from dining out. This is safer for all involved! So, Aiden’s
extras were a big help. I have friends that bake for me, too. The Voughts bake
an apple pie that I purchase frozen from them for a fundraiser they participate
in. Yummy!
Another way Aiden
was helpful was with my dog, Happy. I was extremely busy with writing this book,
attending meetings with politicians in Albany about brain injury, joining
support groups to help me cope with my new life, and so much more. If I
couldn’t make it home in time to walk my doggie, Aiden did it for me. Sometimes
he was even Happy’s sitter. I drove the 15 minutes to deliver Happy to Aiden’s
home, and they shared some quality time together over there. That always made
me feel less guilty about not being around all the time, for the dog.
Aiden called me a
few times most days to “check-in” and see how I was doing. If I needed
anything, he was usually eager to assist. I called him “Mr. Fix-it,” because he
repaired the things I accidentally dropped and broke. [I counted how many times
I dropped something the day I wrote this chapter. I stopped at 10. This is one
more “life difference” since my brain surgery. Luckily, my friend Sandy has
turned into “Ms. Fix-it” for me.]
Aiden was also my
chauffeur. My doctors have stated that I should only drive myself to
destinations one hour or less. So, that means for my appointments with my
editor, Dr. Cooper, Aiden drove me some weeks. On the days that he was unable
to, I left an hour early so I would have extra time if I got lost. All those
GPS voices get on my nerves, so I don’t use it. Aiden drove me to too many
places to list. I am grateful for all of those trips.
I do believe that
God brought us together, so that is why we had worked so hard to stay together,
despite our very different personalities. Sometimes, I wished I was more laid
back, as he is. But, I also wished at the same time that he was more scheduled,
as I am. He thought nothing of it if we traveled to some far-away appointment
he had made and when we arrived, got told he was not supposed to be there until
the next day. I fumed over the wasted time. He saw it as an adventure to do
something else while we were there. Of course, I found a restaurant or store
I’d like to visit instead of fuming too long. These kinds of mistakes he
laughed about at himself. I wish I could be so jovial.
Aiden had two
cars. Only one car was used for trips with my dog, Happy, and so it got covered
with dog hair. The other car was “reserved” for just us, or if Aiden was
driving someone somewhere.
The “Happy-Mobile”
was also used when either my car or his nice car was in the shop for repairs.
His having this extra car had helped me time and time again (especially when my
yellow Mickey Mobile was dying).
In the spring,
summer, and fall, we took Happy on scenic rides. Actually – the two of them
took me for a ride. For some strange reason that I can’t fully explain, a
calmness came over me, as we drove quiet, back roads. God’s beautiful nature is
very soothing (and the milkshakes we used to stop for were also helpful).
We went on roads
that didn’t have a lot of traffic on them, and Aiden pointed out favorite spots
of his or places he once installed satellite dishes. I still can’t believe how
much Aiden used to do before he retired.
So, I just enjoyed
the scenery while he drove, and once in a while, Happy loved to bark at a cow
or squirrel we passed. I missed those relaxing trips when the weather was
dangerous in the winter. As soon as the snow melted, I started asking if we
could take a ride. Aiden also sometimes cleaned my car, which I appreciated.
Another way Aiden
was helpful to me was how he sometimes helped me stay calm when I became easily
agitated. He would tell me to breathe, “Change the channel,” (an expression not
meant literally as if we were watching television but instead to think about
something else that is not upsetting). Aiden would sometimes change the subject
entirely if he observed my stress level rising.
He did not want me
taking my prescribed medicine (a controlled substance) because he knew how
addicting that can become. He witnessed firsthand how I overdo that and how I’d
been lucky nothing dangerous had taken place. My impulsivity causes me to want
to “shut down” when someone has hurt me or triggered me. But – taking pills
only makes the problem worse. So – I have to work on calming down by talking to
God first and foremost. Sarah, a lovely mother of two children I help with at
my church told me, “Let children be your medicine.” How sweet a thought,
because whenever I volunteer with kiddies, I am not ever triggered. Children
bring me much comfort.
A perfect example
of Aiden’s ability to help me calm down (when someone other than he triggered
me), happened as I was preparing part of this chapter.
I almost had a
meltdown at a publicity function I had been invited to participate in. I got
dressed up (an unusual occurrence for me), rearranged many other plans that day
to arrive early (since it was far from home and Aiden and I had never been
there before), and I was excited to be included.
However, the
person in charge forgot that she had asked me a few days prior to be part of
the picture-taking event, and so, when others were called up by name for the
photo-shoot, I just stood there. I waited for her to signal me to come up.
Instead, she told others to join in. So – I just stood there, hurt and feeling that
way we did as children when we weren’t picked for a team in gym class. Remember
that?
I started to
shake, and here’s where Aiden came to my rescue. He put his arm around me and
said, “Everything is going to be okay.” He knew I was upset. I wondered whether
I was left out on purpose or inadvertently. Having been triggered, I decided to
leave rather than do something embarrassing. I left in tears and didn’t even
join in the festivities. (You know I’m upset when I walk away from free food!)
So – Aiden drove me to a nearby Cracker Barrel restaurant, because he knew that
after we order, I’d go outside and rock and rock and rock in the rocking
chairs. This movement brings me to a calmer place (and their gift shop and
delicious food help also).
As I was wrapping
up this book, I attended a Judy Collins concert in Bearsville, NY. Two men came
in wearing funny reindeer antlers (since it was the holidays).
When they sat
down, one of them took his antlers off for the show so the couple behind them
could see the stage. The other guy left them on until his partner overheard the
people behind them discussing it. The guy who knew to remove his antlers had to
take them off the other guy’s head. Really? You don’t think enough of other
people that it’s okay with you that someone’s view is blocked so you can wear a
silly costume?
I wanted to “butt
my nose” into this, since I was sitting near all four of these people. Aiden
rubbed my arm and said, “Janet, this is none of your business. Just enjoy the
show.” That was helpful because I did just that!
I know Aiden had
rescued me many times. When a car I was driving died on some road, he was the
one who dropped what he was doing and came to my aid. Silly but true – one time
I locked myself INSIDE my own new-for-me car. Over the phone, he had to slowly,
very slowly, tell me which buttons to push so I could get out. (I guess this is
a contraption in newer cars so kiddies cannot get out by accident?). Since my
brain injury, I get very flustered with tasks that appear simple to others.
Once, my mother
came to help celebrate my 55th birthday. As I wrote here when I
penned my family chapter, my mother and I had “lost touch” for quite a while.
She initiated the conversation about coming to New York from her home in
Florida so we could celebrate my birthday together.
When she first
contacted me, I was nervous about her coming north, because I couldn’t have one
more disagreement with her. I’m way too fragile emotionally to take that
anymore. But, I prayed about it, and God spoke to me and helped me arrange for
a visit. She stayed at a local Hampton Inn because that was less pressure for
me. My condo is just not “user-friendly” right now, as it looks so messy due to
all my piles of research for book-writing. The dog and I are okay with it, but
my mother’s Parkinson’s means she could fall easily. I wanted for her to be
safe and for me to stay as calm as possible.
When she arrived,
she needed a trip to a hair salon while she was here. I had practically every
minute she was here pre-planned, so I had no time to take her, since I still
needed time to write and do my everyday chores. See – another effect of brain
injury is that I don’t do well with schedule changes. So – Aiden volunteered,
and off to the mall they went. I thought that was very sweet of him.
I know a lot of
partners wouldn’t be as accommodating as he was sometimes with my peculiar
behaviors. He pretty much “goes with the flow” and didn’t get upset when I was
asking for help. [Until the end, when he got VERY upset.]
Another way he
tried to help me is with my impulsivity. If I was stopping at a store with him
to pick up something I needed, he reminded me just to get those items, because
too many times I filled the cart with gifts and cards for others or supplies
for church functions or other things. I needed help remembering that I’m on a
limited income now and I have to watch my finances more carefully. He was good
at that, and I appreciated his gentle reminders not to overspend on others.
While I was
preparing part of the chapter, I had one more “curveball day” where too many
changes took place and I couldn’t handle it. I ended up taking my medicine,
which then meant Aiden had to drive me to our church’s choir rehearsal. Of
course, we were in different sections in the choir, so I just sang and tried
very hard not to chit-chat, because others would hear my medically-caused
slurred speech.
The sad part is
that all that had happened to cause my meltdown was that a doorknob broke in my
condo and so I couldn’t get into a room to put some supplies away, at the same
time that my landlord was calling me about changing the water hose for my
washing machine. I broke down in tears over these two small events as if they
were big. Brain injury!
I know many people
get flustered when the routine or schedule is changed, but I get so upset it
can lead to a meltdown. After the meds kick in, I calm down and things go
smoother than they would have if I hadn’t taken them, but hours later, I feel
horrible because I had been snotty to others while I waited to feel relief.
Aiden had
witnessed some of my meltdowns. Sometimes he was good with that, and other
times he’d had enough. I can’t blame him for getting bothered by my childlike
episodes, but I do wish he could have helped me get over it more often.
He had also helped
me in the middle of the night. An alarm battery went dead very late one
evening. I had never replaced this type of battery in my carbon monoxide
detector before. The beeping sound it was making was scaring both my dog Happy
and me. I called Aiden. He drove over to help me replace the battery and then
get me to a calmer, quieter place so I could rest. He easily could have just
stayed home and given me directions over the phone, but, instead, he came to my
rescue one more time.
Once,
I needed a late-night trip to the ER for one more bladder infection that was
not getting better with my usual meds. He took me as soon as I called him. I truly wish I
could have remembered these loving gestures of his when I got all riled up
about something he did that I didn’t like.
That feeling of
being upset instead of content happened way too often. Because we had opposite
personalities, we didn’t see eye-to-eye on the majority of topics that arose.
So – we plugged along trying to understand each other better.
He was not
familiar with the kind of situation that my particular brain injury presented.
As many experts say, “if you’ve seen one brain injury, you’ve seen one brain
injury.” There are no two exactly alike. The only thing that they all have in
common is that they rob the injured person of the life that person once knew.
Family members are left to “clean up the mess,” and this can sometimes tear a
family apart.
Some people with
brain injury are forever bedridden. Others need wheelchairs or walkers. Others
are more mobile, but have cognitive and/or behavior issues. That behavior
category is where I fit in. I look normal, have an excellent vocabulary, but I
have numerous issues relating to interacting with other people. Let’s not pass
judgment on degrees of brain injury. Let’s realize that the forever life change
for all involved, but especially for the person who is dealing with it the most
– the person who had the tumor, the aneurism, the stroke, the accident, and on
and on and on....
One strong suggestion
I would make for any brain injured person or the caregiver: do NOT make large
life decisions for at least one year after the incident, surgery, or event.
Engagement or marriage, memberships, etc. should be postponed until improved
wellness takes place. Give yourself at least a year.
And that’s where
we’ll get back to Aiden in this, the Aiden chapter. He proposed to me in a very
romantic way at that Holiday Inn where I told you we had met. He did this seven
months after my brain surgery. At that point (February 2010), I was still high
on life after surviving what I had survived.
Aiden had asked
both of my parents (when we visited their home in Florida for Christmas of
2009) if he could marry me. They were thrilled at that point because Aiden had
stuck with me through this horrible brain surgery ordeal. Two months later, he
got down on one knee as the band that played that evening at the Holiday Inn
announced that something special was about to take place. I eagerly said yes
and we went out to the lobby to call my parents.
We didn’t rush
into making wedding plans. We had our engagement picture taken, but that was
about it. I was still in early recovery stages, so my thinking skills were
slower then. We discussed various ideas, such as a honeymoon in Australia, but
nothing was finalized.
Why nothing got
organized right away was because of what I’ve written about here in the chapter
about my beginning of meltdowns.
Only three months
after Aiden’s proposal, I began to unravel. As you’ll read in the next chapter,
Mother’s Day weekend of 2010 was the beginning of a long journey that I’m not
completely finished with yet.
Then, after I
began to “fall apart,” things got even worse. Without going into too much of
Aiden’s private information here, let me just say that he had to get a handle
on some of his own issues. A pastor at our church and then another pastor at a
different church helped him, and thus us, with that. Because of Aiden’s issues,
I canceled our engagement. I had been divorced once and had my second marriage
annulled, so I was being very cautious.
I pretty much knew
a wedding would not take place for us. I do know that when he was father-like
with me and helped me calm down after one of my immature temper-tantrums, I was
drawn closer to him. But, many other times, I knew he made things worse for
both of us by joining in, with his narcissistic behaviors.
I struggled with
our differences. I’m a pretty good listener, yet he hardly talks. He didn’t
listen very well, and I talked too much. I’m way too sensitive for his
insensitiveness. His just “forgetting” (to get me a card for a holiday) got me
way too upset. We are opposites who tried to find common ground.
One of
the mean things Aiden called me was “oddball.” Though he's actually accurate
that some of the things I did and/or said are “out there,” it still hurts to be
named-called. On the other hand, one helpful thing he said often to me was,
“Analyze, analyze, paralyze,” because he witnessed how often I over-analyzed
situations with everyone, not just with him.
I'm
the first to admit that sometimes my behavior is a little “off,” but I do know
that I bit my tongue A LOT around him and others who agitate me with their
carelessness in word choices. Though he attended many meetings with me to learn
more about brain injury, he didn't always apply it. I've learned to keep quiet
more often when others irritate me. That's way easier said than done!
Aiden
said it best about himself, “I know I’m an odd fellow.”
Aiden
and I had a very different upbringing. I grew up in affluent Rhinebeck, NY. I
went on a family vacation cross-country to California, another to the United
Kingdom, and more. Most summers were spent either in the Hamptons or the
Adirondacks. I also owned a house with my former husband in beautiful
Rhinebeck.
Aiden
told me many times that his birth family was so poor. Once, he had to miss a
school field trip for ice cream because they couldn't afford a ten-cent ice
cream cone.
That
may be one reason why we saw the world so differently.
The
part of this relationship that was excruciatingly hard for me was how sensitive
I was to his insensitive comments. I know I don’t always do the right thing,
but he had the hardest armor against the world that I’ve ever known. Nothing I,
or anyone else, said to him seemed to get “under his skin.” He was able to pass
it off.
I’m
not able to, so therefore, when angry sentences like the examples here were
said by him to me, I crumbled:
· “Your
ass is fat.” [True, but mean.]
· “That’s
Janet being Janet.” [Intended to be derogatory.]
· “What’s
wrong with you?” [Said harshly.]
· “Why
are you so literal?” [Brain damage, ever hear of it?]
· “My
kids despise you.” [More than obvious, but still hard to hear.]
· “I
hate your dog.”
· “You
act like a nut!”
[And one thing I
have to add here is that I used to say something very mean to Aiden which I
should not have said: “Remember – I fell in love with you when I had a brain
tumor.” That was accurate but mean.]
I know we all say
things in the heat of an argument that we wish we could “take back” later, but
what happens in my brain is the overplaying of these cruel words. So, I knew
that all of this was in God’s hands. Aiden and I didn’t get together by
accident. He helped me (as I’ve shown here), and I helped him (by restoring his
faith in God).
But, our
differences were too great. Though it reads here that he did so much for me, he
also destroyed my self-esteem for a very long time, with examples I’ve deleted
from this chapter.
Now that I’m free of this relationship, God is healing
me.
For the coming year, I [Douglas Winslow Cooper] will be
excerpting, weekly, material from this almost-final version of the fine book by Janet Johnson Schliff, M.S. Ed., which she wrote over a three-year period with some coaching and editing help from me, through my business, Write Your Book with Me.
Her memoir is now available in paperback and ebook formats from Outskirts Press and amazon.com:
Janet Johnson Schliff was on WKNY Radio 1490 at 9:10 a.m. on Thursday, March 1, Kingston, NY.
Janet spoke at 1 p.m. on Saturday, March 3 at Barnes & Noble in Kingston, NY. I [DWC] attended, along with about 40 other people. Congratulations to Janet on a fine talk!
Janet Johnson Schliff spoke at the Starr Library in Rhinebeck, NY, at 7 p.m. on March 6.
She spoke at the Golden Notebook Bookstore in Woodstock, NY, at 2 p.m. on March 17.
She spoke at the Morton Library in Rhinecliff, NY, at 6:30 p.m. on March 28.
She spoke at RCAL in Kingston, NY, at 4 p.m. on April 3. I was able to attend. They gave her an impromptu book-launch party.
On 4/4/18 Janet spoke at the Parkinson's Support Group at the Starr Library at Rhinebeck at 2:30 p.m.
On 4/27/18 Janet spoke at the Stone Ridge Library at 5:30 p.m.
On 5/4/18 Janet spoke at the Hurley Library at 6 p.m.
On 5/9/18 Janet spoke at the Kingston Library at 6 p.m.
On 5/14/18 Janet spoke at the Staatsburg Library at 7 p.m.
On 5/31/18 Janet spoke at the Clinton Community Library at 6:30 p.m.
On 6/9/18 Janet spoke at the Tannersville Mountain Top Library at noon.
On 6/11/18 Janet spoke at the Gardiner Library at 7 p.m.
On 6/20/18 Janet spoke at the Marbletown Community Center at 6 p.m.
On 7/13/18 Janet spoke at the Esopus Library at 7 p.m.
On 7/20/18 Janet spoke at the Pine Plains Library at 6 p.m.
On 7/23/18 Janet spoke at the Ulster Library at 5:30 p.m.
On 8/11/18 Janet will be at the Northern Dutchess Bible Church in Red Hook at 1:00 p.m.
On 9/06/18 Janet will be at the Inquiring Minds Bookstore in New Paltz at 7 p.m.
On 9/15/18 Janet will be at the Adriance Library in Poughkeepsie (93 Market St.) at 2:30 p.m.
On 9/22/18 Janet will again be at the Tannersville Mountain Top Library, at noon.
More signings will be coming up. A fine feature about Janet by John DeSantos [845 LIFE] appeared in the Middletown Times Herald-Record on Monday, March 12, as part of Brain Injury Awareness Month. An article about her book was just published in the May 2018 Living Rhinebeck Magazine. An article about her book appeared in the May 14 Daily Freeman of Kingston, NY. and another in the Family Life section of the Poughkeepsie Journal on June 8th. The Millerton News will publish an article about her talk at the Pine Plains Library.
