The moment you truly forgive, you have reclaimed your power
from the mind. Non-forgiveness is the very nature of the mind, just as the
mind-made false self, the ego, cannot survive without strife and conflict. The
mind cannot forgive. Only you can.
— Eckhart
Tolle, The Power of Now
I
looked in the mirror one day. I saw a sad, lonely. and broken woman looking
back at me. Her head tilted downward, shoulders slumped in defeat, eyes swollen
and red, hair a mass of tangles and clothing wrinkled and worn.
What
happened to me, I thought? I used to be happy,
neat, active and loving.
A voice
inside me said, you deserve what you look like and how you feel because you
could have done better.
I felt like
I got slapped in the face with the realization that I was carrying around a
heap of guilt and regrets, unable to forgive myself for many things. Why should
I forgive myself? Surely, I should suffer — and suffer I did, until I learned
to forgive myself and my husband.
Yes,
forgiveness was the hardest task for me in the process of healing my wounded
spirit from the loss of my husband, Fred. Forgiveness was the step that took
the longest.
At first, I
was angry about much that related to my loss: that I was now alone, that I
regretted things I should have said or done, that I may have missed something
that could have changed or prolonged his life…and many more emotional issues. A
constant bombardment of negative thoughts became roadblocks on my journey
through the grieving process and healing.
I felt like
a victim of a tragedy — and indeed I was a victim, the lone survivor of the
loss of a loved one — the other half of me. However, I realized that I
did not have to remain a victim. I could choose to become whole again through
the act of forgiveness.
It’s very
important to recognize that forgiveness is the voluntary act in which you
willingly let go of a perceived wrong toward you that elicits feelings of
anger, resentment, or other negative emotions. You feel righteous in your
position of being wronged and you want to hold on tight to this feeling —
waiting for the one who wronged you to “make it right.”
Well, this
making it right could happen, but don’t hold your breath waiting. There are,
however, complications with this thinking:
•
the person who you feel has wronged
you may not know how you feel;
•
the person may not be available to
apologize to you (death is an example);
•
or the person may not care how you
feel.
I am sure
you can think of other scenarios. Whatever the reasons for the negative emotions,
if they are left unresolved, you will suffer in a state of un-forgiveness.
Let me
assure you, until I was able to move through the forgiveness process, I was
suffering big-time.
Remaining in
the state of un-forgiveness is unhealthy. It can create chronic anxiety,
harming the mind/body/spirit:
•
Your mind is operating at high speed,
processing and reprocessing the negative emotions that steal your joy and block
your path forward.
•
Your body is following the mind’s lead
dealing with the effects of all this negativity: increased tension in muscles,
possible increased blood pressure, insomnia, overeating or under-eating, etc.
•
Your spirit feels defeated, unworthy.
•
Self-esteem plummets to depths you
never experienced.
Not good feelings for sure, as I can
attest to the constant anxiety and feeling of defeat.
However, I
did not give up hope.
Working
through this process of forgiveness worked well for me regarding grief, loss,
and anger. I did not think of forgiving anyone right away. I was wrapped up in the
negative emotions and thoroughly immersed in my own suffering. I felt
righteously justified in my beliefs and held onto them…feeling
a sense of power. Over time, however, I became aware of how these negative
emotions were eating away at me and taking up so much of my time.
I
realized that the first step in the forgiveness process, awareness, allowed me
to acknowledge my negative thoughts and feelings that were feeding my suffering
and keeping me a victim. Next, I came up with the list of questions I show
below, and I started exploring the answers. This process allowed me to take
back control and enhance the clarity of the real issues. Finally, I forgave
myself and let it go.
Here are
some questions I asked myself that may help you also:
• Who
am I unwilling to forgive?
• What
did they do that hurt me and made me develop these negative feelings?
• Why
am I letting this person have any control over me and cause my
mind/body/spiritual distress?
• How
can I forgive the wrong I perceived?
Take your time. Find a quiet place to
reflect on these questions. Write them down for reference. You will be
surprised how you feel after doing this. It took some time before I could
forgive my husband for dying and leaving me to continue on alone.
And so, the
process began.
Little
by little, I started to deal with my feelings and need for forgiveness.
I started
asking myself:
Who was I
not willing to forgive? The answer — my
husband.
What did he
do that hurt me? The answer — he died, left me
behind to continue alone and created guilt and regrets.
Why did I
let this control my mind/body/spirit? The answer —
I needed to keep the connection to him no matter how much it hurt me.
How can I
forgive the wrong I perceived? The answer —
I do not want to yet.
As I became
aware of my responses to these questions, I decided to forgive him for leaving
me. After all, he did not die on purpose to hurt me. Arriving at this place of
forgiveness took much time. It was hard work to let go and move forward.
Forgiveness
of self, I found, was a much harder task to do than forgive someone else.
I still
asked similar questions:
Who was I
not willing to forgive? The answer — me.
Why did I
let myself feel un-forgiveness? The answer —
because I felt like I was somehow responsible for the loss.
Did I miss
health clues that I could have done something about?
The answer — I’m a nurse and should have noticed. I flagellated myself
regularly for this.
Did I show
how much I cared and loved him? The answer —
I regretted not telling him I loved him or hugging him more. I regretted
spending so much time working and so little time with him — and more.
Forgiving
myself took much longer, but it did happen. I must admit that even after I
forgave myself, I slipped back into moments of un-forgiveness. It happens. Just
forgive yourself again. Don’t give up!
Remember,
we are born to be spiritual and compassionate human beings. Embrace your
spirituality and heart’s compassion to forgive yourself for the perceived
errors and feelings of negativity — one step at a time. Let go of the emotional
negativity and dare to open your heart to receiving the blessings of peace and
comfort. You did the best you could at that time, in that place, with that
person.
YOU
and I still have our own journeys. We must
move forward to live lives filled with joy and love. This takes time. Be kind
to yourself. Fully embrace forgiveness toward the one you feel wronged you AND
toward yourself — it is the right thing to do.
Love
yourself enough to forgive yourself!
AFFIRMATIONS:
· I
forgive myself for what I think I have done wrong.
· I
love myself for the person I am yet to become.
· I
forgive my past and embrace every positive moment of the present.
###
With her permission, I am serializing here nurse Cheryl Barrett's valuable book on transcending grief. I had the pleasure of being her coach and editor through my Write Your Book with Me enterprise.
Douglas Winslow Cooper, PhD
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