Laugh
Alone or with Others
When the woes of existence beset us, we urgently seek comic
relief. The more emotions we invest in a subject, the greater it’s potential
for guffaws.
— Patch Adams, MD
There is nothing funny about your journey
through grief and loss — or is
there?
Humor
is not something you seek out when you are going through grief and loss.
However, it is ever present waiting to be invited back into your life. Humor
pushed its way into
my healing journey early and has eased my heart’s pain. Only you know when the
time is right to embrace humor again and experience it’s healing power.
At the last viewing I attended, I was standing apart from
others in the back of the funeral parlor, observing everyone. I saw the
grieving widow bravely standing next to the coffin, dressed in black with
sadness and grief evident on her face, her eyes staring straight ahead, and her
hands trembling. The smallest thing set off a crying spell for all to witness.
Someone placed a hand on her shoulder for comfort and another put tissues in
her hand. I looked around and saw friends, family, and others who came to
support her anxious, yet wary about how to help.
What else did I see? Some of those who came were also
crying; some were stoic and keeping a stiff upper lip, while others were
smiling in conversation and even sharing a laugh or two together. They were
remembering the departed person in relation to a humorous event in which there
was much shared laughter — an event I too remembered and smiled.
No, they were not being disrespectful. They were sharing
fond memories of their time with the departed friend. They were also using
humor and sometimes laughter as a coping mechanism to deal with the situation,
to ease their discomfort.
You, too, have these happy, laughable shared memories and
need some relief from the overwhelming emotions of grief and loss, but are
unsure what to do.
What is humor? How can it help during times of grief and
loss?
Humor is a positive emotion that can
diffuse the many negative emotions you are experiencing — great for stress reduction. According to many, humor is
good medicine. Humor therapy has been used as a coping mechanism to help deal
with life’s hardships.
Studies
have shown benefits of laughter include:
•
improving
oxygenation to the brain,
•
relieving
tension in the muscles,
•
creating a
sense of peace.
Seeing
the humor in life sometimes makes the most sense to us. Laughter makes you
smile, and those around you are infected with it.
I remember my husband and I sitting downstairs in the
living room one day. We heard my daughter laughing so hard upstairs that we
just looked at each other and started laughing too.
No doubt you have laughed before and are familiar with the
joy it brings. Can you remember the last time you laughed until your cheeks
hurt and tears flowed down your face? Were you alone in your laughter? That’s
okay. Or, were you with someone? That’s even better — shared laughter is
awesome.
Relax and enjoy a good laugh now and again —what a relief
it is!
The
art of medicine consists of keeping the patient amused while nature heals the
disease.
—
Voltaire
During the healing process you may ask
yourself this question: “Did I share
laughter and humor with my loved one?”
If the answer is yes, then why not use memories of shared
laughter to heal? Remembering shared times of laughter brings a smile to your
face. It feels good.
I have many memories of shared laughter with my husband.
Each time I recall one, I see his smiling face and hear the laughter — his,
mine, and sometimes my daughter’s. A memory such as this can be triggered by
intentionally recalling a shared event or upon seeing a picture, words, or
something else, related to such a memory.
My daughter saw a stuffed animal in the
store; its hair was peaked at the top of its head. This was a
humor-event-trigger for us that caused us to break out with laughter. Why? This
was the way my husband’s hair
looked in the morning when he got up. His hair would be plastered down on the
sides and straight up in the middle: thus, we called him “Freddy the Fin.”
Such precious memories make me cry sometimes, as they can
no longer happen in real-time. But, that’s OK. Sadness and happiness can and do
coexist.
Do you have such memories that make you both laugh and cry?
Share these memories; write them down — enjoy those precious moments again and
again!
Humor often relies on the difference between how things are
and how they should be. It helps us gain perspective and can play a significant
role in the journey through grief and
loss — perhaps the one thing that helps you through a rough day.
New things that make you laugh can happen to you during
your time of grieving. Both my daughter and I laughed at the car breakdown
situation previously described and felt relief of tensions. We rolled our eyes
and looked heavenward, saying: “Are you kidding me?” as if talking with my
husband, whom we could also picture joining us in our laughter…as we sat
helpless in a car that wouldn’t start with rain pouring down outside, thunder
cracking, and lightening zapping through the night sky.
Burned into our brains, it’s a recollection we still
frequently chuckle about — one very special memory. Later, we could laugh at
more and more memorable experiences we had with my husband.
What other things can you do to create
laughter? Just ask yourself what
made you laugh in the past? Those memories are waiting for you to remember.
During a stress management course I took a few years ago,
we each had to choose a project to complete. The project I chose was a “Tickler
Notebook,” a collection of a various items that you think can stimulate laughter.
I filled it with so many things that made me laugh: comics, pictures, sayings,
poems, greeting cards, photos from a movie and many more.
It so happened that a colleague of mine was diagnosed with
breast cancer and was going through this stressful life event. I made a copy of
the Tickler Notebook and a co-worker of mine, Annmarie, added her beautiful
butterfly photos with words of encouragement on each. We arranged this special
Tickler Notebook and presented the final project to the colleague, hoping to
bring her a little laughter and hopefully positive benefits. She was
overwhelmed with our gift and shared her appreciation telling us how much she
laughed.
Two activities below that I did were helpful to me: they
got me out of the house, focused my attention on something other than my gloomy
internal thoughts and stimulated laughter — even laughter at myself.
I went to the greeting card section of my favorite store
and linger for a while reading the cards. Choosing cards at random first, then
picking the ones that were humorous and made me laugh. At first, I chuckle
silently and then the chuckles became more audible. Sometimes, others looked up
and smiled at me, and we became comrades in shared fun. What could be better
than sharing laughter? I have even done this with a friend who was feeling
down. It will cheer them up too. I lingered in the greeting card section before
my loss too, so had it in my stress management tool box to use.
The second activity made others laugh at me — and that’s OK. I found that staying
in the card section for a while, organizing them into their proper places, was
fun and soothing — but this also created chuckles from others. Sometimes, they
joined in the fun, and we did an outstanding job of organizing the cards into a
very neat display. We also shared some
life experiences, sharing comfort and laughter. And, we gave the store worker
an anonymous gift — another thing to smile about.
For those of you susceptible to obsessive behavior: be
careful, as the organizing fun event can migrate and mutate to other areas of
the store: for example; arranging the air fresheners according to their scents
on the shelf. It still happens to me on occasion, but I’ve learned to deal with
it, because it is something I can control when I feel out of control, sad, or
lonely.
Maybe you have some secret things you do that nobody knows
about…as I’ve revealed here. Enjoy!
When I’m
down in the dumps, I often watch funny movies. Some movies stimulate our
emotions and bring forth laughter. You know what strikes your funny bone. You
probably have a few movies that you can rely on to make you laugh. Take a
moment to develop a list of the movies that make you laugh, movies that you
have shared experiences with your loved one or your children… or choose new
movies. Then plan some time to watch them alone or with someone else.
At first, you might have difficulty paying attention, as
you are distracted by your woes. Have patience. Don’t give up. You’ll get the
hang of it. Watching a funny movie with a friend can have the additional
benefit of sharing the laughter as you watch each other’s response. Remember,
laughter is contagious! Here are a few movies that made me laugh and rekindled
some wonderful memories with my husband that had a healing impact:
1. Innerspace
(Dennis Quade, Martin Short, Meg Ryan)
— I just loved the music, “Cupid” and “Twisting the Night Away,” the latter of
which played for several minutes at the end, and I danced with the music. It
reminded me of music played during my childhood, melodies that both my husband
and I related to. I laughed throughout the movie, sang the old familiar songs,
and felt good.
2. Caddy Shack
(Bill Murray) — My husband and I watched this every chance we got. I loved the
groundhog and his little dance. We both laughed and smiled at each other. Now
when I see this movie, I am reminded of the good laughter we shared together. I
can still laugh at it. I even have a furry groundhog that makes the same moves
as the one in the movie and plays the same song. I can flip it on anytime I
wish; it makes me smile and laugh.
3. The Other Woman
(Cameron Diaz, Leslie Mann, Kate Upton) — My daughter and I have watched this
several times and shared many laughs at EVERY viewing. It is a newer movie that
only the two of us had watched together, but just the other day, I watched this
movie with my best friend, who had not yet seen it, and we both laughed. We
enjoyed sharing the laughter; she said it perked up her day, providing respite
from her hectic pace and from obligations that had been getting her down.
4. The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (Judi Dench, Tom Wilkinson, Maggie Smith, Bill Nighy and
Dev Patel) — A movie filled with many prominent, seasoned actors had some funny
moments that I laughed at and enjoyed. One thing that particularly touched me
was the way they embraced life’s changes, ups and downs evolving into the next
phase of life’s journey. They were seniors like me who had experiences like me
and showed how they coped and continued their life’s journey. This gave me
hope.
5. Leap Year
(Amy Adams, Matthew Goode) — I have
watched this movie alone and also several times with my
daughter. We laughed a lot. What struck me was the love
story. When you least expect it, love comes your way. I remember how it was to
be young and in love with my husband. We met on a blind date, and things just
progressed from there. I feel blessed to have been part of his life for the
time we had.
P.S.
I have watched these movies many times and will still choose to watch them in
the future — hopelessly addicted to a good laugh!
Now it’s
your turn to create a laughter list when you are ready:
•
places to
go,
•
people to
see,
•
movies to
watch,
•
books to
read,
•
or any
activity that lift you spirit and tickle your funny bone.
Most
folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
— Abraham
Lincoln
Make up your mind to be happy and enjoy
family, friends, and the new life’s
journey that lies ahead. Use the form at the end of this section to make your
own list. Take the first step to happiness — SMILE — you are loved!
AFFIRMATIONS:
· I
give myself permission to laugh and find joy in everyday things.
· I
use laughter to ease tension in my body.
·
I am filled with positive actions.
###
With her permission, I am serializing here a near-final version of nurse Cheryl Barrett's valuable book on transcending grief. I had the pleasure of being her coach and editor through my Write Your Book with Me enterprise.
Douglas Winslow Cooper, PhD
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